Oubaitori: Never Compare Yourself to Others Again
Why you should try this magical Japanese philosophy #47
Oh, how I hate the feeling of missing out on something or being behind.
Comparing my progress might be one of the reasons I stay productive, but I still hate how annoying it is.
In the modern world, social comparison is amplified through technology, leading to people feeling inadequate and unhappy with their lives. We compare to survive, to not fall behind. This instinct can cause a lot of FOMO and frustration, but ultimately, it’s pointless.
On paper, it’s easy to compare two people from the same town, who went to the same school and judge by who is making more money at a certain age. But apart from the fact that money is a stupid metric, this comparison doesn’t tell us everything. We are still different. Some people get lucky with the system, while others are perfectly content with not trying too hard.
The feeling of falling behind other people is not realistic. I like to look at it as us all having different timelines. There is no point in comparing ourselves to those who are on a completely different path. We are all different, and making linear comparisons is not an objective way to judge. The Oubaitori philosophy helps with that.
Oubaitori
That’s why Oibatori exists. It is a simple Japanese concept inspired by flowers. The word itself is made out of cherry, apricot, peach, and plum characters.
Each flower blooms in its own season and no flower is late, early, better, or worse than the other flowers. Each of them blooms and makes the landscape beautiful in its own way, without needing to prove itself and be the best.
It’s a reminder that everyone is on their own journey through life.
How would you compare the flowers of cherry, apricot, peach, and plum? Which one is “better”? Which one is “falling behind”?
Well, the cherry flower doesn’t care about you.
It only cares about its journey, completely independent from the apricot flowers across the road. They may talk to each other once in a while. They may even be best friends since they were little seeds. But they don’t need to compare each other’s beauty to keep on living and being exceptional.
They are all following their own unique timelines, but they all are still flowers.
“A flower does not think of comparing to the flower next to it. It just blooms”
- Zen Shin
Are you a peach or a plum?
Now transfer the wisdom of those little flowers to your own life.
This philosophy represents the idea of never feeling the need to compare yourself to someone else. It implies that each flower blooms in its own time and similarly, every individual has their own unique journey.
The flowers teach us to change our habits. To stop focusing on comparisons with people and start comparing yourself…with yourself. Oubaitori offers us a perspective on how to judge in isolation. Free from relativity to others. Free from toxic comparison.
Instead of feeling that we are behind others, we can focus our energy on the fact that we have come this far.
Only we know our journey and our true worth. No other cherry tree anywhere in the world. Embrace the beauty of individuality.
In a world obsessed with the stress of being better than others, the wisdom of these little flowers brings a sense of peace.
Listen to the flowers to embrace your own journey, without looking at the greener (it’s not) grass across the fence.
Oubaitori can remind us to be patient with ourselves, to trust our individual processes, and to bloom in our unique ways and seasons.
What to do instead
If you feel envious ever again, ask yourself: Are you willing to give up your whole life, memories, experiences, and relationships, to be in that person’s shoes? Probably not. Then the feeling of envy is not justified. Comparing yourself to someone is pointless even if you have much in common.
Instead, compare yourself to you yesterday. How far have you come and what have you accomplished? What smart decisions have led you here? What skills have you mastered?
I struggle with this myself, but whenever I think of myself years ago, I realize that the life I have now is everything I wished for back then. It’s easy to forget how far we’ve come in our lives and make social comparisons because it’s so easy.
Practising Oubaitori takes a great deal of self-awareness. You have to be aware of your tendency to compare yourself. It’s not only about you though. I have noticed that people around me may play an even bigger role in my mindset. Do they approve of what you do and encourage you to move on? Or do they look down on you, saying you waste time on things you are not supposed to be doing? Notice relationships that make you question your self-worth, they may encourage you to compare yourself to others and feel less of yourself.
Another skill that’s important when practising Oubaitori is gratitude. When you know your life is good and you are fortunate to have the life you do, there is less incentive for you to compare and envy others. Be grateful for what you have and the people you are with. It is a privilege beyond comparison. It’s unique to every single soul and we have to try to embrace it to not fall into the toxic comparisons.
Social media made it easy to compare. You have to remember that an Instagram account is not a representation of a user, but a curated feed of posts that have the desired personality in mind. Don’t fall into the trap of comparing yourself to an idealized version of someone.
I especially remember the time during the pandemic when my Instagram was full of productive people and I felt behind. In reality, most people just tried to appear in the best light. When in reality, everything was pretty close to the This is fine meme.
Times of crisis teach you a lot.
We compare ourselves to idealized versions of others, not knowing what is actually going on behind the scenes. We can compare ourselves to the 0.001% of an industry who just got lucky with where they were born or who they met.
Final thoughts
A philosophical concept doesn’t have to be complex. The simplest ideas, like this one (literally a tree), can be a source of inspiration. I find it amazing how a flower can make me understand gratitude better.
Remember this: You don’t need to strive for perfection, all you need is your uniqueness. We live in a society where getting close to perfection is the best outcome. But no, being better than yourself yesterday is the best outcome. Just yourself in isolation. Be a flower that blooms regardless of what others think.
All flowers are equal, all humans are equal and beautiful in their own way.
Every flower blooms in its own time. No flower is too late or too early. Each one has its own timeline
There is a great poem that summarizes my thoughts on this:
“We grew up on the same street,
You and me.
We went to the same schools,
Rode the same bus,
Had the same friends,
And even shared spaghetti
With each other's families.
And though our roots belong to
The same tree,
Our branches have grown
In different directions.
Our tree,
Now resembles a thousand
Other trees
In a sea of a trillion
Other trees
With parallel destinies
And similar dreams.
You cannot envy the branch
That grows bigger
From the same seed,
And you cannot
Blame it on the sun's direction.
But you still compare us,
As if we're still those two
Kids at the park
Slurping down slushies and
Eating ice cream.”
-Suzy Kassem
Thank you for reading, I hope you will try Oubaitori! See you next week!
I proud of you