The Tragic Downfall of Social Interaction
That's Philosophical #35
When was the last time you felt truly fulfilled after a conversation with a person? Were you checking your phone halfway through the conversation? Did you completely forget about it?
Social norms have to be constantly questioned so our society doesn’t become a group of walking potatoes. Behavior can only become a norm if it’s something we don’t really think about, something that’s usual.
That’s why I would like to share my concern about regular conversations in today’s world.
Social interaction is being poisoned, I don’t think we can keep ignoring that.
The Escape
At one point our society just decided that awkward silences are a deadly phenomenon that will destroy any relationship, so we found the real conversation saver. Presenting to you: a smartphone!
It comes in handy every time you want to avoid a social interaction you do or don’t want to have, makes your friends feel more distant, and helps you become the worst listener anyone could wish for!
Why do we feel the need to avoid awkward silences? Every time I think about this, it reminds me of this quote from Pulp Fiction:
The Power of Words
Forming connections with other people has always been one of the main aspects of the basic human support system and happiness. You may hate or love talking to people, but relationships can open a lot of doors, give you guidance, and provide you with a new perspective on life.
Human interaction is one of the main reasons I love my life. There is this unexplainable feeling of joy surrounding genuinely good conversations. Maybe partly because it’s pretty hard to find people you’d love to talk to.
It’s amazing how we can communicate, make sense of everything we are saying to each other, exchange information, and enjoy the process itself. Conversations are a really complex mechanism that we are taking for granted.
Research suggests, that human interaction is directly correlated with one’s happiness. I think it’s completely logical to assume that we are happier overall if we have people around. We can laugh with them, share opinions, problems, and achievements, or just have a great time.
Of course, being alone is also one of the greatest joys of life, which I love as well. That’s one of the main principles of That’s Philosophical. However, there still should be balance.
Some of the greatest philosophies in history suggested how important the human connection is. Most of the values they promote can be applicable to relationships. Think about the Japanese tea ceremonies- the point is not in drinking tea with people. It’s about embracing that moment of real connection, enhanced by tea.
This stuff is important, we can’t let this go away. I am concerned about the state of a modern conversation.
“Conversation is the most human and humanizing thing that we do. It’s where empathy is born, where intimacy is born—because of eye contact, because we can hear the tones of another person’s voice, sense their body movements, sense their presence. It’s where we learn about other people. But, without meaning to, without having made a plan, we’ve actually moved away from conversation in a way that my research was showing is hurting us.”
The Tech Effect
We don’t get bored anymore. Even if we feel a little uncomfortable, we can immediately escape into another reality and not worry about ours.
Every person who has a phone knows about the harmful effects of social media, we all expect it to ruin our lives in various ways.
Ironically, the technology that was meant to make the world more connected, made us more lonely and made our conversations less genuine.
We have to set boundaries. Technology and connectivity are amazing. Using these tools during a conversation when another person is engaged, is not.
As writer Sherry Turkle puts it:
“It’s not only that we turn away from talking face to face to chat online. It’s that we don’t allow these conversations to happen in the first place because we keep our phones in the landscape.
In our hearts, we know this, and now research is catching up with our intuitions. We face a significant choice. It is not about giving up our phones but about using them with greater intention. Conversation is there for us to reclaim. For the failing connections of our digital world, it is the talking cure.”
Unfortunately, now a lot of us are simply more comfortable with pulling out our phones or listening to music than engaging with other people.
What we can do about it
Like with any problem, first, we have to realize how bad it is. If you are reading this section, then you probably already do.
I think the best way to solve this problem is to make your phone work for you. Only use it when you absolutely have to. First and foremost, a smartphone is a tool. Use it like one.
I tried to put my phone in my bag for a day and just focus on the outside world. Of course, I still had my computer with me but I didn’t avoid conversations. I found no problems with this method, I only missed a few messages that I could reply to later.
I noticed how rarely I actually need to check my phone. We went from using it only when we need it, to using it when we don’t have anything to do. I will try doing this for the next week and see how hard it is. Hopefully, it will become a habit.
“Technology Bad”
People are faced with a lot of criticism after starting the “Technology bad” conversation. They sound like annoying parents trying to get their son outside and touch grass.
Yes, I am being an annoying parent and I am genuinely concerned.
It hurts when a person pulls out their phone during one of our rare conversations, it’s a norm, but does it have to be? What other addictions are acceptable in the middle of a healthy conversation?
Allow yourself to be fully present. You can always go back and like a meme, you can’t go back to a conversation with a close one.
I am listing a lot of the negative sides of technology. This essay could be too one-sided and biased. What if smartphones enrich our conversations? What if we just don’t waste time on people we don’t want to talk to? That’s why I am here to share my thoughts- to hear yours’ too.
A lot of what I am saying sounds like something an extrovert would say. I am not. I am still freaking out when I know I have to talk to somebody I don’t know. It’s normal to avoid these interactions. But it’s problematic when we are running away from our encounters with people close to us. Get out of your comfort zone.
Throw it away. Use it with intention. Don’t poison conversations. Enjoy connection.
This issue was inspired by two eye-opening articles by Jonathan Haidt, Jean M. Twenge, and Sherry Turkle. This Is Our Chance to Pull Teenagers Out of the Smartphone Trap, Stop Googling. Let’s Talk.
Thank you so much for reading this, please feel free to share your thoughts :) Let me know if you enjoyed this week’s issue!
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I am in the habit of asking people to put their phone away when we are having a conversation if they pull it out. Doesn't always work, but I ask.
Sometimes the phone is part of the conversation like when you want to come to agreement on a salient fact that you can check quickly, then put the phone down, and continue.
I see many couples in restaurants, each on their phone, ignoring the other and I wonder why they bothered to go out together to eat.
Long time Rufat! Makes me happy to see your newsletter in my inbox. I have been in bit of creative block myself but this post inspired me and now it seems like the cloud is parting.